Holy fuck it took me so long to get onto this Blog thing I almost gave up. SERIOUSLY. 

K, but wait, imagine, like a really drunk woman with blue eye shadow saying "surusly, like, surusly".

Wait. 

 I don't have blue eye shadow on. Nor am I drunk. Wait, am I drunk? I don't think I'm drunk. No, I'm not drunk. But I am saying it in her voice. 

Ok so THIS is when technology is failing me. When I have a stream of consciousness that I need to pound out in writing because I type faster than I write, and guuesssss whaaaaaaat, guess what!? I can't because of fucking computer slowness, or internet passwords, or technological what-the-fuck-everness is slowing me down and making the creative impulse avalanche that is happening in my brain have to sit still. That's like asking an ADHD child to just chill out. 

Is that politically incorrect? Talking about an ADHD child? Is it? I don't want to offend anyone. But seriously (surously) I get such creative word vomit sometimes that asking my brain to just chill the fuck out is basically the most insane thing you could ask someone. "Hey oceanic wave, just hang 10 for 5." 

Not happening. Ok. So why do I have to? And THEN, when the computer finally agrees that she's ready to let me start writing, we start with THAT bullshit above because I need to get that out, as it's been systematically piling up in my head on top of the other stuff that's been sitting patiently, and which is ACTUALLY the reason I sat down to poetically vomit out. It's a lot of thoughts in here. I need to suss through them. Alright. I think that's the dirt... let's get to the mud.

Basically I started writing again, because I have been inundating Facebook with the world record long statusese. What is the plural of status. Statuses? Statusese? Hey look a penguin.

Ever since I arrived in this land of Brunswick to do this new play (a new show by Norm Foster "Hilda's Yard" at Theatre New Brunswick. Ya that's a publicity drop, to all four of you reading this). New Brunswick... because eventually there must have been a Brunswick... or a York, or a Hampshire.... all us North America losers get the "New" ones because we think momentarily that we'll be better... but when you keep looking to the older sibling to inform your relevance you realize you're, like, mediocre at best, and you definitely don't have any cool castles, or sheep. 

ANYWAY, ever since I arrived in this awesome land of the Canadian East I have been subjecting my friends, for good or bad, to extremely long... oh holy shit, what's the word... stories, like, analogies, but more like Oh! Anecdotes. I have been subjecting my "friends" (and I say friends loosely mainly based on the label that Facebook so lovingly gives them... like you're my "friend", but are you actually? I subscribe to you... but like loosely as a human being, I'll allow you to look at my shit is what I'm saying... this is a photo of me trying to be as awesome/hot/stupid/pretty/adventurous/magnanimous/creative as possible, and you can "like" the fuck out of it. Ya bitch*, "Like" that shit. I'm awesome.) to wicked anecdotes, and as I write them I think "fuck, I should return to my blog, this is just pouring out of me" and then I don't, and instead eat up their feed with my stories. I'm not denying the awesomeness (ya that's a new word Shakespeare-Olthuis. We're married.) of the anecdotes, and people are seemingly genuinely enjoying them. But I AM saying that maybe I could expand on those thoughts, and the spacial brevity forces me to keep it short. I mean please within 5 paragraphs here I've already been able to use multiple parentheses and a goddamn footnote... brevity is not natural to me. Wit on the other hand... 

So the blog. I have returned. For now. I realize how incongruous I have been over the years...

I'd like to share with you now some text. Mainly because I don't want to forget it, and partially because I think that someone, somewhere will be able to smile, and hopefully somewhat relate. For context most of these texts listed in this blogosphere will be between one of my best friends, and my commonplace positivity warrior Kristan. Also owner of blog, and general soul-healer. Spoken of in previous posts from my other life and generally, regardless of what I do (aside, I'm assuming from killing someone, but seriously, I actually think if I had to kill someone** that she would be the one who would be like "Perr, I don't agree with what you, but I love you. Where shall we dump the body") she's THAT friend, and she equally likes texting, which is awesome.

-- Side note: I just spent like 10 minutes looking at texts in my phone because in my mind we had a hilarious exchange. I didn't really find one that I thought anyone but us would care about, but I also found an exchange about waxing. I want to put it on here. But I need to get her permission first. So maybe in the next post. Also, like, waxing... so like, we all just want to pretend the hair-from-the-root yanking it didn't happen and reap the rewards instead, right? I'M NOT BEING MISOGYNISTIC I AM LEGITIMATELY FEELING LIKE NO ONE WANTS TO ACTUALLY READ ABOUT IT***

--Ok. So I found the exchange. It wasn't that funny. Apparently I was amazed about the idea that it was an hour later here in N.B. than it was in Toronto because of the time change, so basically I was in bed at 10pm here, and it was 9pm there, and that was AMAZING. It was dumb. Let's move on. 

Ok so there's one text (edited a titch): 

Me: Got a ride home and now want something sweet. I don't have anything here.

        So, instead, here is a string of thoughts:

        I love my cast

        (Something omitted for personal and embarrassial (yes it's now a word) reasons)

        I wish I had a cookie

        (Something else omitted because I feel like it makes me look pathetic... I want to look awesome first... ya, I realize that it's probably too late... public stream of consciousness is always a good start...)

        I love you!

        I'm making tea

        I'm going to read

        God! I want something sweet. 

        Where is my billet?

        I will eat her food.

        Stop looking in her cabinets for food. 

        Drink tea. 

        I want a party

        I need to run

        It's been raining for two days

Kristan: Woooow.

Me: I don't buy bad food so that I don't eat it, and then when I do want a cookie or something I'm like "I WILL PILLAGE YOUR CABINETS MUTHERFUCKER" Also? PMS? What the fuck. Also, PMS makes you want to procreate I'm thinking of texting people I shouldn't (also people who are thousands of kilometres away) for the possibility of coitus. This is ridiculous. 

... I need to write in my blog. Seriously. This place is like Draino for my writer's block. 

Kristan: Uh. Yah seriously. 

ALRIGHT, Kristan aka Mams ****,  here's your blog post. Wowza. So I'm left thinking, as I continue to fantasize about the oatmeal cookies I saw in the fridge when I was trying to raid my lovely billet's fridge, but also restraining due to my own morals, are other people this insane in their heads?? Do we all have these half baked, but also very lucid strains of thought grappling around in our brain? Or is it just me, or shall I hope, the select few, who either are happy to share their thoughts with people who either enjoy the ramblings, and hopeful humour, in the prospect that we may connect, on some level with other humans. Or... the other, in that people enjoy smugly reading this thinking "well I may hate my job, my partner, and my kids, but at least I don't have THAT shiznit happening in my frontal lobe". 

Either way. You're welcome. 

En commence. 

xo P

 

        

 *Bitch is used loosely. Like, I'm not misogynistic, like, I could say "goof face" but mostly I just like saying bitch. It's to the point and people tend to laugh. Especially when you're a white chick and you say it in a ridiculous voice. Like a pimp voice. Pimps have ridiculous voices, and say things like "BOUNCE", instead of "Go". If you are currently scrunching your face, and feeling completely let down by my colloquial use of the derogatory feminine pronoun, and are about to change your browser to "NEVER READ THIS PAGE AGAIN. WOMEN HAVE WORKED TO HAVE THEIR POWER" then maybe this isn't the blog for you. I tend to cross boundaries. But mostly I'm hilarious, and only half serious. Like pimps aren't actually awesome. Except for the awesome ones. Also, you'll feel better about how generally, and comparatively sane you are. You're welcome.     

**This is not an actual possibility. Please do not flag this page. I ramble. Publicly. I could keep defending my position, but frankly, I'll just keep digging a ditch... no pun intended... not that I'm making a joke.      Fuck.    Let's just move on.

***We're totally going to talk about that shit.

****Mams... based on our traveling relationship in Europe. I think it's previously been explained. I'm too lazy to look. Short story: We are the world's best traveling companions.

OH THERE YOU ARE PETER!

This is actually laughable. No, it's not just laughable. I AM laughing. I'm sitting here, Black Keys on the audio, laughing. Well... ok truthfully... I'm laughing quietly, so I'm more just shaking a little. Chest pumps and breath. But that's laughing, dawg.

...It has been so BLOODY long since I've had even an inclination to write my thoughts out - "Out" and not down, m'cause people can read them, yo. I'm feeling a little rusty. BUT the intention was there, so I must have something to say, seeing as it's been OVER a year. 

I feel like this is a new chapter. Ok, so before I saddle up for a big order of CORN DOG. I will qualify that by explaining that it IS actually a new start. Last time I was doing a lot of re-happiness searching. I found a lot of it. A LOT I say. But guess what?! I pretty sure I just found s'more. WOAHHHHH. 

It's pretty amazing and cosmically awesome when you realize you can still surprise yourself. Isn't it? If you haven't for a while, then I fully recommend it. What should you do? Fack, I don't know. I don't know your scary place! That's just a fact.
...It's terrifying to say the least, but based on how good I've felt lately I can say it was entirely worth it... getting scared.

I'm debating here how much to actually divulge, right here, right now. It's a lot. It's a bit of a slut, this information... it just wants to spill all over the place and all over everything. But truthfully, doesn't the art of writing include a little suspense? Intricate details, slowly ebbing out of the bucket, weaving a tapestry of much more as each piece finds one another. 

For me I would say my fear stems from the unknown, unsure that if you just take a step in the direction you are looking towards that you won't be caught. That you'll loose more than you gain. Remember when you were a kid, flush with the freedom of fearlessness and you'd try something new or different, and then because kids can be brutally honest and inexplicably cruel, they would shoot that down (adults did that too. But children are more blunt). If you tried something new as a child, and were rebuffed, then why when more is at risk, would we want to attempt an unknown as an adult? 


Because for some reason you know that you have to.


For me, that pressure cooker has only one exit. When the things that you are continuing to do hurts a hell of a lot more than the alternative; the fear of trying something new. You jus' gotsta do that new thing.

But I have to say I've been down-poopin' BLOWN AWAY by how things have lined up for me in the past little while. I took a big breath, took a step in the direction I have felt innately right for so long and realized that as soon as I did that, unseen events came forward to push me along; carry me, when I didn't have my own strength and keep me looking forward when I didn't think I could. 

I'm not a religious person, but dagnabbit, this was pretty incredible. 

I've been surrounded by love, jobs, people, joy, fresh starts, perfectly aligned opportunities and a lot of wine.


A lot of you know one or a few of the things I'm talking about. But trust me, there are more and some are still being discovered. At the end of the day the scariest thing? The most embarrassing thing to admit? I am unbelievably HAPPY. Contented. Blissful. Optimistic. Excited about my life. Loving more people than I thought I possibly could.


It's hard to admit that when getting there comes with a cost. I've been sad - this is undeniable. But I'm not one to look back and I can't believe how strong and excited, and young I feel. Which is awesome, because who wouldn't want to feel 20, with the extra 8 years of experience to keep you from being a total facking moron (again). 20 year olds are totally, like, super cute... but... yaaaa....

I think partially, I have felt compelled to write as the last time I went on a  journey it gave me a touch point that I could continue coming back to as I delved into the unsure darkness all around me. This time I am similarly delving... some DELVATION as it were. But this time I have a concrete end I am reaching toward. 

HOLY HANNAH. I am being so bleamin' cryptic. I should start again. Try a different approach. But some of the fun of reading this silly blog is that I don't really know where I'm going to end up, and sometimes I find what I didn't know I was looking for mid thought stream. 

Let's end this ridiculous defibrillating Blog with some FABULOUS things that I am loving right now. 


>>Drake. I FLIPPING love Drake. I don't know why. I used to hate him. But I do. Now. Love. Him. I'm hood... Deal with it. 


>>Hahaha. As I am about to write this next thing I realize that it's ALSO Drake. Hilarious. I am working at The Drake, and as much as I'm not totally pumped on the fact that I'm back in the serving world - as, clearly I'd rather be acting... I also AM pumped on this. And of all the places I could work? I'd say The Drake is pretty much the pinnacle of what I'm looking for soooo. WOO HOO.

>>I had an awesome experience shooting a film with Mr. Brian Allan Stewart this past January. It provided strength when I wasn't sure of anything. It reminded me that I am an actor above most other things. I'm curious about humans. It pushed me to things I had never done, and reinstated the fact that "Yes, I can" (Thanks. President O). I am super excited to collaborate on the next project and I feel really grateful. 

>>An adorable, bright, and fresh sublet via Ms. Ashlie Corcoran. Brilliant woman, darling friend. I am so excited to have such a vibrant place to live for the next few months. 


>>The amount of INCREDIBLE people who I have in my life. People who have always been there, others who have re-surfaced, ones I've only just met. Every new friend who has come forward in the last couple of months has grossly informed my learny-learning about myself and where I see myself. It's freaking remarkable. I would be no where with out all of you. 

Holy heck. For someone who keeps a rather waspy outlook on emotion, I just showed you a lot of my biznatch. YEEP!


That's all. I know I've been edgier and more fun in past posts. That's still freaking in there. I just gotta get out all the love first, y'all! 

Oooh! And a song, which makes everything bad better, and everything awesome even awesomer! OMG I'm so excited for you to hear this right now. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWlIEBPKl7M


xoxox Perrie