So here we are, loyalists. I've escaped near death by bull-horn and I'm here to tell the story. I'm not sure if I've made this clear in previous posts, but tha last 3 years have been hard; this year... and a half?... have been the BIGGEST, HARDEST kick in the head, heart, and spirit. I'm not entirely sure that I could pin it down to one, or even three main events and I'm not sure exactly what began the civil war, but oh yes, there was a war, and it's took place just a little north east of Hell.
Basically, it's been a series of breakdowns, which is always wonderful, and as someone who prides herself in being strong and brave in the face of peril I do not give in to breakdowns easily... especially when they're happening weekly, for me it means defeat... and defeat is hard when you're an Aries*. But this is noooo pity party, and I am not someone who feels sorry for myself easily or happily, but I do feel that background infomations is necessary, n'est pas?
Alright, so to sum up all of this anus, I felt for the first time in my life I was in the middle of the Atlantic, during storm season** and the rescue devices were juuuuuust out of my reach, and so I basically spent some time underwater trying to grow gills. Which I realize is actually harder than getting out of the water, but if you can't see the shore... HOLY MONKEYS, WHAT is with the metaphors Olthuis? You know you haven't written for a while when...
And now, as media isn't exactly the apex of this blog: an interlude of STORM photos:
THIS IS ACTUALLY AN "ATLANTIC STORMMMMM"
This is me in September trying to drive through a wave.
This was the view they sent me from space of me trying to go through the wave
I didn't read this.
Ok so I had a hard year. I became unbelievably insecure about pretty much everything, day to day events simultaneously scared me, and gave me massive anxiety, I was tired ALL the time, and the littlest issue or hiccup had me in bed convinced I would never be ok. People frightened me, and some days I realized that I hadn't smiled all day. I generally felt angry, and *gasp* bitter about everything. I'm not sure how many people have gone through something like this, and I'm not even sure how to diagnose it... but as an actor, these are traits that have to pretty much not exist... or at least be secure enough as a person that those neuroses can just go in the closet for important things like auditions, or you know, surviving getting constantly and unfoundedly rejected.
Alright, so I finally buckled and got some help. Things started getting better early fall... sort of... but it's LITERALLY taken until righhhhhttt NOW. NOW. So here's what's up. I know I was sketchy, and hint-ey, and all secretive about my plans, but the "plan" was a new little lamb, and I just had to be secure before showing it to the world.
So the BIG news is that after over a month of really detesting my current job, and waking up everyday feeling useless in serving my greater purpose. I realized that if I'm not being creative, then I'm not actively contributing to my existence. I am in and out a creative creature, and to not be so is death. Realizing that for me, doing mundane administrative labour is definitely worse than the alternative of not knowing what's next, I made the leap of faith to hand in notice and see what happens. This was largely due to the help of my vunderbar support team (you know who you are, you Titans). With that single, swift move I remembered after a long lapse of forgetting that I, Perrie Olthuis am a goddamn FIGHTER. I'm a warrior of my own life, and I had always approached things head on and without fear. I'm not sure what shook that out of me, but it was shooked, and finally being ready to reclaim that made me feel bloody powerful for the first time in years.
So here we are. One new misery-maker murdered, and more contentment to be conquered (holy alliteration batman... rhetorical devices galore... too bad I'm not in Grade 12, I'd kick this paper's ASS!). So here's the rest: I'm going back to hospitality for a while... and I'm totally ok with that! I'm excited to have random hours again, more time off to spend with myself, my art, and le chien noir, AND to talk to new people. But just for a while...
I've decided that ultimately I'm going to work from home, and I'm going to create my life around my creativity. Actually. I'm going to use all different areas of what talents I possess and I'm going to work and work and work to make sure I never feel empty again, I'm going to paint, I'm going to photograph, and I'm going to explore, I'm going to start singing again... and acting :) I left my agency late in the summer, and it was one of the best decisions I have made... but being agent-less is not stopping me, in fact now I can go straight on and without the previous toxicity and continue finding my own work (as I've done all along). Not to say that I won't agent-ize again, but it's not the first thing on my agenda, and I no longer feel that "agency" means success... I had first hand experience to prove that I equal success. Being a free agent doesn't scare me anymore, it excites the bujesus out of me. When I do travel down Agency Boulevard again it will be right.
Ok, so I AM still scared about things, I'm scared about failing, in many ways. But I have learned through this brutal, brutal war, the following:
-I'm not responsible to create anyone's happiness but my own.
-I WILL have to keep changing, because I as a person need to keep growing; if I'm not changing I'm not growing.
-What am I without a dream? (the answer is really lame)
-Everything that matters is right now, in this moment. Right now I'm just fine, and that's the future.
-Anxiousness and depression are gifts because they give you clues to slow down and listen.
Ok, so maybe I seem really together or something. Well, I'm not, but I am so so so much better and a little closer to knowing myself. I'm hesitant to say that I'm grateful for the past 4 years... but I guess I am. I don't think I could ever get lower than where I've been, so that's a plus.
Quite frankly, after everything, I'm a little less scared of that bull... TORRO!
Per
Footnotes:
*Aries (March 21 to April 20) the astrological animal is a RAM... anyone who knows me... you may as well call me Perrie "The RAM" Olthuis.
** Totally just guessed that there would be a "Storm Season" and there is!! June 1st to November 30th! Whatsup.
